Johnny FanChar Saves the World!
by Bryon Nightshade
Summary: This is my semi-satirical response to the recent flood of fancharacter-obsessive fanfiction.


FanChar saves the world!

            I passed Sonic and smashed through some Swatbots.

            What's that? You're surprised that someone is faster than the self-proclaimed fastest thing alive? Well, don't be. My name is Johnny FanChar, and since I joined the Freedom Fighters everything has been way past cool.

            Oh, but I do more than run fast. Here, I'll tell the story and you'll see.

            A hover unit was above me. I jumped super-high (another one of my cool abilities, see?) and punched the hover unit. My fist smashed through the entire unit, breaking it in half. The two halves dropped off into the city, exploding and wrecking more buildings.

            "Johnny!" shouted Sonic as the slow-mo finally caught up. "What'd we tell you about making 'em crash?"

            "I know, I know," I said, slowly falling to the ground, "but I couldn't help myself." I checked my watch. "Alright, time to go help Sally and Rotor. See you, Sonic!"

            Now, the big question: run or fly? I can do both, you see, but choosing is always a hassle. Flying was no big deal; more hover units would see me, but that would be cool, because they couldn't really hurt me. Alright, I'll fly then, I thought.

            I was right. More hover units did see me. But I just outflew them; nothing could compete with me.

            Mecha Sonic? After I destroyed him, I brought his head back as a souvenir.

            There was our objective, a power plant. We were trying to destroy the main turbine. I remembered where Sally and Rotor were supposed to be—this was all my plan, after all—and smashed into the building at that point.

            When the dust cleared, they were covered in rubble. "Sorry about that!" I said, grabbing Sally's hand. "I'll help you up." As I brought her up, I got her face close to mine.

            I stopped when I felt her finger at my throat. "Save it," she said. "We have to finish this mission."

            "Naturally, my sweet princess. Rotor! The bomb! I'll do it myself!"

            "Now there's a surprise," said the walrus, still struggling to get out from under the rubble. As soon as he was clear, he reached into his backpack and handed me the bomb.

            "Time to wax this!" I said and dashed towards the turbine shaft.

            My hypersensitive hearing told me something was wrong. I stopped suddenly and threw the bomb in front of me. It exploded a moment later. If not for my personal shield and super toughness, I would have been in deep trouble.

            I appeared back in front of Sally and Rotor. "Rotor! It was faulty! I thought I showed you how to make those!"

            "I guess I'm just not as good with my hands as you are," Rotor said, not looking at me.

            "Okay, you two get out. I'll take out this power plant myself."

            "What are you gonna do?" asked Sally.

            "Level it. Now scoot."

            "What exactly are you gonna do?"

            "You can watch. Here, I'll get you two out myself." I grabbed them and went back out the hole I'd made. "Now get out of the city." I turned my back to them.

            "Johnny! Wait! Look, a column of worker bots is going into the power plant!"

            I grinned. "Free bonus," I said, and flew into the air.

            When I was hovering in the air, I started powering up. I had a secret supply of mystical energy throughout my body, and now I summoned it into the palm of my hand.

            Wow! This was so much like "Dragonball Z" I was almost confused which show I was in!

            When I was fully charged, I unleashed my attack. Like I'd promised, it leveled the power plant, burning it to the ground in a blink, worker bots and all.

            As I said, everything's been cool since I joined the Freedom Fighters. If they'd just let me, I'd destroy all of Robotropolis myself and the war would be over. I wonder why they won't let me do that…

            Everyone in Knothole loves me.

            I help out Sally with strategy. I saw her and fell head-over-heels. I'm a bit shy around her, though. Maybe that's why she punches me when I try to kiss her.

            Sonic is a pain. He doesn't love me because I'm faster than him, and for some reason he thinks Sally punches me because she doesn't like me. But I know they're affectionate punches, and Sonic's just jealous.

            I've taught Rotor all sorts of new technologies. Like I said, I showed him how to build better bombs, and that was just the beginning. From sorting out the tool shed to getting better materials, I've helped Knothole get the best equipment possible.

            Where was I before? Well, training. It takes a long time to get as good as I am. I had to develop all these powers on my own, too, since everyone I've ever known is dead. I had a large family and three separate sets of foster parents, and all of them were killed before my eyes, forcing me to vow revenge on four different occasions. Still, when you're all alone, it's amazing the types of powers you get by starving!

            Once I was ready I came to Knothole where, like I said, everyone loves me. It was easy to find; just walk around enough in the Great Forest and you'll find it easily.

            With me around the war is going perfectly.

            I'm jerked awake by sudden pain.

            I'm lying in my bed, in the hut I built when I came to Knothole. What the—Why can't I move? All of my god-like strength and I can't even lift my pinky!

            No light is in the room; my eyes dart around at the dark figures circling me. Who are they? And why can't I move? I can't even open my mouth!

            Then one of them turns the lights on. It's the Freedom Fighters, standing around me! What is going on?

            Sally speaks first. "A real shame," she says, clucking. "All the strength in the world doesn't matter if your brain doesn't connect to your muscles."

            I try to ask her what she means, but I still can't so much as open my mouth. I fear I'll choke on my tongue if I'm paralyzed much longer.

            "All we did was attach a few clamps to your nerve cord. We didn't do anything to the brain stem, so your heart and lungs still work, or your senses. But we cut your motor control to the rest of your body."

            She's right. I still can't move.

            "Let's get right to the point," said Sonic. "You don't belong here."

            Tails nods. "You're overpowered and don't have any real personality."

            "Except annoyin'," Bunnie corrects.

            "When you're here," Sally says, "there's no point to the rest of us. You're smarter than I am."

            "Faster than me," says Sonic.

            "Stronger than me," Bunnie says.

            "A better engineer than me," says Rotor.

            "Cuter than me," says Tails.

            "More culturedness zan moi," says Antoine.

            "In summary, you're a selfish, overpowered boor," Sally says. "As long as you're here, there's no purpose to the other people in Knothole. We had to do something before we were consigned to irrelevancy. That's why Rotor rigged the bomb to kill you."

            My eyes flash in outrage. Or, at least, I want them to. He rigged a bomb to kill me?!

            "That didn't work, obviously, so we're here now to do the job right."

            "And actually," said Sonic, "it was after you survived the bomb that we realized just what you really were."

            What I am? What's he saying?

            "Anyone who really belongs on Mobius knows what the Roboticiser is. It's Robotnik's technology that allows him to turn animals into worker bots. Thing is, we told you that worker bots were comin' in to the power plant, then you went an' leveled it anyway."

            Oh no.

            "So," says Bunnie, her voice angry, "you're either a thoughtless murderer, or you just aren't from this planet."

            "Either way, you don't belong here," Rotor says. "After all, if you don't take the fundamental principles of our world into account—if you try to ignore the things that make Mobius what it is—then you destroy it. We won't let you do that."

            NO… wait…

            My tongue has finally slid down into my throat. I can't stop it. It plugs my airway, making it impossible to breathe.

            To add insult to injury, Tails picks up a pillow and places it over my face. Great—so if I can manage to actually breathe, I'll get next to no air. Wonderful.

            But… don't you guys want someone powerful?

            It doesn't make sense! This IS my world!

            I do so belong here!  
            The author said so!

            With that thought, I break through the fourth wall. I realize suddenly—I AM the author! I've taken up life in Knothole as one of them, but I'm really just a guy sitting at my computer!

            The characters acted against me somehow. It doesn't make sense initially. How can the characters, which I'm supposed to control, controvert my will and supreme power as author?

            I realize something, then. The characters are alive in another way. They live in the stories already told, in the memories and thoughts of authors and readers the world over. Their rejection of me was more than just an example of temporary psychosis while writing. It was a rejection of my presence.

            The Sonic Universes—Fleetway, Archie, SatAM, SegaSonic, and so on—are all rife with stories waiting to be told. But we do not live there. As authors and fans, we don't belong there. We visit, and we watch from afar what happens to the characters we love. But it's their world, ultimately, not ours. That's what my rejection means.

            "What's Hecubah to him, or he to Hecubah?" the famous Bard wrote. He was speaking of actors, but the same applies to fans. At the end of the day, the actor removes his mask and forgets about Priam and Hecubah and the sack of Troy. And so he must; he visits Troy, but does not live there. 

            Overpowered fan characters are one kind of corruption that harms the world of our beloved characters, and they're one of the most destructive. They shove aside the characters we know and love; nay, more than that. Their power destroys what makes the characters unique, special, appealing, compelling. Do you know how many fan characters have had Sonic's speed? Each one of those fan characters devalues Sonic. Since we're fans OF Sonic, let's not destroy him, okay? This is but an example, a common one; it's a curse that comes in all forms and colors, but a curse nonetheless.

            I finally look down at my keyboard and begin to write again, my thoughts rebounding in my skull. Johnny FanChar still lies upon his bed. Though it takes him thirty minutes due to his inherent toughness, he dies of oxygen starvation. And when he does, his body disappears from Knothole.

            The Freedom Fighters look up at me through the hole in the fourth wall. "Way past cool!" they shout in unison.

            I smile and thank them for their message. What seemed like a bout of temporary insanity turned out to be the soundest advice I'd heard in a long time.

            Then I exit the program, shut down my computer, and go to sleep.

Disclaimer:

This story contains characters and situations that belong, not to the author, but to one or more of the following: Sega, Archie Comics, Dic. This story belongs to Sam Durbin, a.k.a. Bryon Nightshade, and is bound by all applicable laws and statutes.


End file.
